I blame it on Dr. Seuss.
Well, Dr. Seuss and the half eaten jar of Nutella sitting next to my computer.
(I’m lying, it’s more like 3/4 eaten.)
Why am I blaming Dr. Seuss? Because it was his birthday on March 2nd and I saw this quote of his that has been going crazy in my mind for a month or so and it was the kick in the butt to get these words out of my head and down onto the page.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”
Sound familiar?
I grew up on Dr. Seuss. Absolutely loved his stuff even though I don’t think I really understood the complexity of what he said until much later. I guess as kids we’re not supposed to get too much further than red fish, blue fish.
Maybe some of us will even see the Lorax or the Giving Tree as something more…
Anyway, I’m procrastinating. Why?
Because what I’m about to write could change your mind about me.
I’m on a journey of truth telling and truth finding.
That doesn’t sound too bad, right?
Not too scary at all, except for the quiet girl who always made sure that she said and did the right things. She didn’t complain and always shared when she was asked to. She was taught that it was better to give than it was to receive but most importantly, she was taught to be nice. Even if nice meant that she wasn’t supposed to talk back or really even speak her mind.
It wasn’t the work of evil troll-like parents who did this, but two loving people who wanted nothing but the best. It was the quiet girl who took it to the extreme and always played nice, even if it meant that she swallowed her own words.
Unfortunately, even nice, quiet girls grow up and sooner or later those nice, quiet girls can become doormats or even worse, the complete anti-thesis of who they were as children.
See- I like words, I’m still procrastinating.
My journey of truth is leading me to the doorway where I will make the decision to become the doormat or to become something else.
I chose- something else.
I choose truth as my path, not only as a human being but also in my work, in my relationships and in every single moment of every single day that I am alive on this Earth.
Why?
Because it’s time for me to tell you about the real ME.
It’s time for you to know the real person behind these words, the one hiding behind the computer screen- for now.
The one who is going to be speaking up and saying things that you may not want to hear or things that you desperately need to hear.
So who am I?
I am a woman who lives her truth every single day
I am a woman who loves beyond love and believes past rational thought.
I am a woman who is flawed but who loves those flaws more than anything else.
I am unique, a complete contradiction and someone who is more than just a little quirky.
I am painfully sensitive not to physical touch but to everything else. I often feel your pain before you’re acutely aware of it.
I see the best in everyone regardless of whether or not I like you. And yes, there are people who I don’t like.
I will never tell anyone that I don’t like them. Ever.
I will not tolerate anyone telling me what to do- even if you know better- because I will not hear you. I need to learn it for myself.
I am not going to apologize unless I really mean it.
I will stand up for myself and for you and if pushed, I will push back- hard.
I will hurt some people’s feelings but never intentionally.
I will be embracing the changes that occur in my lifetime not because I always want to but because I have to.
I will be completely honest, even painfully honest because me sugar coating anything helps no one.
I am no where near where I want to be or who I want to be, but I want you on my journey especially if you’re reading this.
I need you more than you probably realize because your truth helps me live mine so much more.
I will never tell you that I need you.
I need time alone. A lot of time alone.
I will stay quiet because I need to protect myself.
I have faith beyond what seems reasonable but that’s what keeps me grounded.
I have angels who guide me every day, even if I never see them, hear them or feel them.
I have tattoos and piercings but they are part of who I am, so I will never apologize if they make you feel uncomfortable.
I dress for me and only me and sometimes I feel like make-up really is like war paint.
I take pride in my family, my heritage and in my accomplishments.
I won’t back down just to make you feel better about yourself.
I am painfully un-selfish, even to the point where it may hurt me.
I am in debt and not going to make any excuses about it.
I am constantly learning something & as I write this, am taking anywhere between 3-5 classes on my own time.
I don’t have enough time but only because I don’t use my time well.
I’ve written this dozens of times in my head and each time, it was different.
I’m being far nicer right now than I plan to be in the future.
I don’t usually make sense.
I’m scared of what I might become- but I mean that in a good way.
I don’t idolize anyone.
I cried hard last week.
I’ve eaten almost a whole jar of Nutella because it’s made me feel better.
I’d rather someone else cook for me right now because if I do it, I’ll eat crap.
I teach people how to eat and cook healthy food.
I contradict myself all the time.
I’ve been hurt a lot and have put up way too many walls for my own good.
My walls are crashing down around me and that scares the crap out of me.
I’ve found someone who never knew I had walls because he walked right through them.
He scares me sometimes but I know that I can’t live without him.
I’ve never told him that.
I used to weigh 40 pounds more than I do now and sometimes feel like things were almost easier when I weighed more.
I could very easily gain all that weight back but I won’t because then my pants wouldn’t fit me and I don’t want to have to buy new pants.
I’m addicted to twitter.
My body image was better when I was heavier.
I don’t laugh nearly as much as I want to. Or need to.
I really look forward to seeing my dog when I get home.
I pray every night before I go to bed.
I’m just scratching the surface on this.
Are you game for this journey of mine? Are you looking for your truth too?
